131 Things We've Learned By Watching The Office
by superdupersk8r61
Summary: Just like it sounds. Lessons taught by our favorite Dunder Mifflin employees.


**A/N: **So my friend and I were sitting around watching old episodes of _The Office_ this afternoon and we decided it would be a great idea to compile a giant list of the funniest quotes from the show. Then, realizing that the list would be GINORMOUS, we changed it to "things we've learned by watching the office". And this is what we came up with. Also, I don't know if this has been done before. If it has, I'm sorry. But either way, we had a fun time making this. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** We own nothing. All we did was take quotes and reword them to bit to makes lessons out of them.

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**131 Things We've Learned by Watching _The Office_**

1. It's TOTALLY okay to put co-workers' supplies in Jell-O

2. Bubble Wrap makes for a good cast

3. The school of hard knocks is better than business school

4. Money isn't the key to happiness. Joy is the key to happiness

5. You don't learn how to operate a toaster oven in business school

6. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens

7. 15 bottles of vodka is definitely enough to get 20 people drunk

8. When jumping off buildings onto a moon bounce, try to land like an 8 year-old

9. You can get shunned for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna

10. "D" stands for Andy.

11. When buying a celebrity sex tape online, beware of pop-ups

12. The answer to everything is, "Absolutely, I do!"

13. A hero kills people

14. Martin Luther King Jr. IS a race

15. When using photos for a presentation, Tom Hanks in "Big" can relate to anything

16. You don't call them "collared" people. That's offensive

17. A uterus is different from a vagina

18. 3 people don't die from rabies every year. 4 people die from rabies every year.

19. Do not bring "The Da Vinci Code" to a desert island. It will only keep you warm for 7 seconds

20. Do not eat a plate of spaghetti alfredo before a 5k run

21. Band-aids are not enough to prevent nipple chaffing

23. It's acceptable to say "TMI" but not "don't go there". That's lame

24. AIDS tests require 6 hours of paperwork

25. When the ice melts…it's like a second drink

26. You wouldn't arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.

27. Teenagers like to use beet farms for sex

28. When signing up for an online dating service, it's a good idea to have a user name "littlekidlover" so they'll know exactly where your priorities are

29. Lebron James, Kobe Bryant and Tracy McGrady did not attend business school.

30. Purple belts are not toys

31. Search and replace doesn't work on misspelled words

32. Fitness orbs have numerous health benefits including: strengthening the back, better performance in sports, and more enjoyable sex

33. Everyone loves ice cream cakes

34. One of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records

35. The most exciting thing that can happen in movies or on TV or in real-life is somebody having a gun

36. It's not like booze every killed anyone

37. Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas

38. Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. It's when you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. And it works like a charm

39. Engaged ain't married

40. Bacon is delicious…and good for you

41. An SUV with three rows of seats is WAY more awesome than a minivan

42. Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved

43. The heart of New York City is Times Square, and it's was named that because….of the good times you have in it

44. Sbarro's is the best pizza place in New York City.

45. The only place to get authentic sushi is New York City

46. The key to being a good public speaker is waving your arms in the air and pounding your fists on the table. A lot

47. Laughter is the best medicine

48. Well apparently in the medicine community, negative means "good." Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community that would be chaos

49. When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help

50. Princess Diana's funeral was the saddest one ever

51. Drug testing has to be official and it HAS to be urine!

52. Going to Mexico when you were five to attend your great-grandmother's funeral means you are a potential drug mule

53. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates

54. Saying stuff like "fleece it out" and "dinkin' flicka" will help with your interracial conversations

55. There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians. The Holocaust. JFK. Only recent has the Lincoln assassination become funny. A dream world would be where they could tell a hilarious AIDS joke

56. "Faggy" means lame

57. You don't call retarded people retarded. That's bad taste. You call your friends retarded when they are acting retarded

58. We're all homos. Homo sapiens

59. You can buy a gaydar online

60. "Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly" means "Check out the slut"

61. When on a first date, you should order the most important thing on the menu so he knows you're worth it. But if you do…you're going to have to put out

62. Jerome Bettis is called "The Bus" because he is afraid to fly

63. After a fight, men "Hug it out." But it doesn't translate to women

64. You can't shoot with smoke grenade

65. You should know what side you're on when you play "Call of Duty" so you don't kill your own teammates

66. Watching movies increase productivity because they cause you to work faster because you have to make up the time you lost watching the movie

67. The older you get, the bigger chance there is you're gonna die

68. A human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated

69. Pretzel Day: Makes the other 364 days worth it

70. When looking for food, check the vending machine, the copier, the fax machine, and then finally…your butt

71. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown

72. Indians DO NOT eat monkey brains

73. There are hundreds of Hindu gods. Maybe more than that

74. Biking to work makes you rally sweaty for the rest of the day

75. It only takes 6 weeks to be the #2 guy in the office using name repetition, personality mirroring, never breaking off a handshake, and always thinking one step ahead. Like a…carpenter…that makes stairs

76. You can't give paper clips to a baby. He might swallow them

77. The way to a women's heart is to play the banjo and sing in a sexy, high falsetto voice

78. The worst part about prison is the dementors

79. It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father

80. Christmas can't be cancelled as long as they're still airing "Rudolph"

81. The Jamaicans DO have a word for "impossible". It's English, it's "impossible"

82. The back seat is the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first

83. 7 out of 10 attacks are from the rear

84. Swanson's makes a delightful chimichanga

85. You don't want someone sucking up to you in order to advance their career. You want someone sucking up to you because they genuinely love you

86. Shocking yourself by cleaning gunk off of wall sockets with a metal fork will lead to epiphanies

87. Ben Franklin was probably one of the sexiest presidents ever

88. Ben Franklin was also really kind of a sleazebag

89. At a wedding, if you are pushing the bride's father's wheelchair down the aisle, it means you are co-giving her away

90. There are too many people in this world. We need a new plague

91. Bear attacks come when you least expect them

92. Webster's Dictionary defines "wedding" as "the fusing of two metals with a hot torch"

93. If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a whole letter grade, so it would stupid not to do it

94. Whenever you're about to do something, think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, do not do that thing.

95. If a vampire bat was in the US, it would be in a -sylvania

96. There are four kinds of businesses. Tourism. Food service. Railroads. And sales. And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel

97. That line on the top of shrimp is feces

98. If you don't watch Battlestar Galactica then you're an idiot

99. Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information

100. The real heroes are the guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes, and fly around fighting crime

101. You can't put a price tag on an hundred dollar gift card

102. Heart disease kills more people than bailers

103. Depressed isn't just a fancy word for "bummed out"

104. When someone gives you odds like 10,000 to 1, you take it.

105. Bears eat beets

106. Saying "Beer me" will get a laugh, like, a quarter of the time

107. If you menstruate, you don't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. And you're more in tune with the moon and the tides

108. When seen in the right context, a penis is a wonderful sight for a women. But if it is in the wrong context, it's like a monster movie

109. There is no conversion chart for 10 points, a gold star, and a thumbs up

110. Hotel Hell has a check in time of now and a check out time of never

111. An ideal choice for a #2 guy would be Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. And fictional. And overqualified.

112. Guys are more attracted to the back of women than to the front

113. The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont

114. If a crime happened on company property with company property, it's double jeopardy, so you're fine

115. You can keep your marriage spicy if you're Lutheran and your spouse is Unitarian

116. In cults, you have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader

117. If you're Hindu, you believe in Buddha

118. The best strategy for a race is to start fast, run fast in the middle, and then end fast

119. If you kill your significant other's cat, make sure it is completely dead before putting it in the freezer

120. Computers are about trying to murder you in a lake

121. If you should never mix business with pleasure, how does a putt-putt gold company operate?

122. You don't have rights just because some town in Switzerland says so

123. Mrs. Butterworth is a less-urban Aunt Jemima.

124. That catchy TV jingle goes… "Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast!"

125. Being a regional manager is easy when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend isn't in love with someone else

126. The eyes are the groin of the head

127. Mo' money, mo' problems

128. All you need to survive in the wild is a roll of duct tape and a knife

129. It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by someone you don't know on purpose

130. Talking trash and talking smack are totally different

131. _The Office _is THE funniest show on television

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**A/N2: **So? What did you think? We're interested to know which ones people liked the best. Also, if you have any to add! Let us know! Thanks!


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